REMEMBER when lips were thin, pouts not trouty, foreheads moved and teeth were reassuringly British, rackety little stumps? Me neither.
Nowadays, everywhere we turn we’re bombarded with images of perfect, airbrushed, Botox-pumped, filler-filled, Ozempic-jabbed influencers.
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If dodgy Botox can mess up your face, what could it be doing to your mind? Credit: Getty
A celeb would sooner die than sport a crow’s foot. Wrinkles are societal ruination.
Simon Cowell would, say, rather lose three limbs than show a scintilla of facial expression and 55-year-old Kylie Minogue will forever look 42.
Yet it turns out two-thirds of people administering cosmetic injections in the UK are not qualified doctors.
Twenty four per cent of those injecting Botox and dermal filler are dentists, and eight per cent dental nurses.
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The study, published in the Journal of Plastic, Reconstructive & Aesthetic Surgery, found that two thirds of those administering cosmetic surgery injections are not doctors.
Basically, a monkey could don some gloves and whack something in your cheekbones. And this is problematic.
Terrifyingly, a second study from University College London found that 80 per cent of Botox patients had experienced long-lasting adverse effects, including pain, anxiety and headache. Similarly problematic.
We’ve all heard the horror stories of botched surgery, exploding boob jobs and hatchet Botox.
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Last year my friend, an influencer, had filler injected, badly, into her face and was left with a drooping left cheek.
For six months she looked like a stroke victim. (And paid ￡600 for the privilege).
Naturally, she was too embarrassed to admit a) her model good looks weren’t down to good genes and mineral water alone and b) too British to complain.
Similarly, a few years ago I was offered free Botox from a dodgy old bloke operating out of some sort of industrial warehouse car park.
God knows why I said yes, besides tightness, but I did.
For seven months I looked the Bride of Wildenstein.
I spent the majority of that winter in sunglasses, miserably trying to disguise my permanently startled, rabbit-in-the headlights expression.
The problem is we’ve normalised the abnormal.It is standard to see a 25-year-old with giant, grooper-fish lips, micro-bladed brows and sparkling Katie Price teeth.
Injecting us with Sprite
Veneers — where real gnashers are shaved down then replaced — are lauded and school kids, still naturally rife with collagen, are getting medical-grade facials.
Looking Dorian Gray young doesn’t come cheap.
And this is why desperate young women (and men) are cutting corners and getting unregulated, non-approved, self-appointed dermatological “experts” to jab them.
This month the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency’s Criminal Enforcement Unit seized a quantity of suspected unlicensed medical products — ie fake Botox — following coordinated raids across nine premises in Bolton.
So not only are monkeys injecting us, they’re doing it with Sprite.
If the Government doesn’t step in now, who knows what the long-term effect of this warped beauty epidemic will be.
A public consultation on the industry is due to begin next month, and recommendations are expected to inform amendments to the Medical Act in 2024.
As well as the professional background of those providing cosmetic injections, there has been inadequate research on the incidence of complications and the impact these have on patients.
This must change.
It’s one thing to mess with people’s faces, but now is the time to stop messing with their minds.
Labrador is man’s bed friend
NOW this is the sort of scientific study I can get on board with.
A poll conducted by sleep tech firm Simba and an animal behaviourist has revealed the best and worst canine bed companions.
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A study found that Labradors make for the most amenable pillow partner Credit: Getty
Turns out a Labrador (non-wriggly, quiet) makes for the most amenable pillow partner, followed by a dachshund in second place.
As someone who struggles to share a bed with a human being, sleeping with Dora the miniature dachshund has been a game changer.
She’s a little kipping dream, a veritable furnace in the winter and an endlessly patient companion – happy to be pawed, kissed, stroked and tummy-rubbed – during long, insomniac summer nights.
Turns out, though, not everyone thinks dogs should be allowed in the bedroom.
Granted, Dora did once do a little wee on a partner’s pillow, but hey, no one’s perfect.
Another cat-loving ex once told me it was her or the dog in the bed？.？.？.？the ex slept in the spare room, Dora spooned me.
As it should be.
Barbenheimer phenomenon
SO the “Barbenheimer” phenomenon saw a surge of us at the cinema over the (largely rainy) weekend.
I was one of many who ploughed through Oppenheimer, starring Cillian Murphy, on Saturday night.
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Cillian Murphy stars in new hit flick Oppenheimer Credit: PA
At more than three hours long, it’s neither for the weak willed or light of bladder.
In a time of clickbait, Snapchat and Instagram Stories, increasingly we have the attention span of gnats – and 180 minutes on the big screen is less cinematic treat, more test of endurance.
Proceed with caution.
HONG Kong’s Health Minister has a cunning plan.
In a bid to stop smoking in the city, Lo Chung-mau wants non-smokers to “stare” at smokers.
Prof Lo reckons the public has a role in reducing cigarette consumption by shaming pesky puffers.
Hmmm. If photos of decaying toothy gums, blackened shrivelled lungs and amputated limbs on fag packets don’t do the trick, I’m not entirely sure a sport of passive aggression will.
Plane stupid
AH, well played guys.
The BBC has again exceeded its own exacting standards in hypocrisy after the Climate Editor jetted off to Spain to report on the country’s heatwave？.？.？.？ which he, um, blamed on carbon emissions.
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Justin Rowlatt - Climate Editor for BBC News Credit: BBC
The corporation repeatedly refused to say if Justin Rowlatt had made the 1,800-mile round trip to Spain by plane.
I mean, presumably he didn’t swim there.
More Mattys please
WE need more pop stars like Matty Healy, please.
The 1975 frontman – son of Denise Welch and on/off boyfriend of Taylor Swift – criticised Malaysia’s anti-LGBTQ laws on stage in Kuala Lumpur and promptly went on to snog his male bandmate.
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Matty Healy criticised Malaysia’s anti-LGBTQ laws on stage in Kuala Lumpur and promptly went on to snog his male bandmate 7
The band were chucked off stage and has now pulled out of gigs in similarly backward countries Credit: Getty
Cue mass hysteria from Malay officials and the band being chucked off stage.
In protest, The 1975 have now pulled out of gigs in similarly backward countries Indonesia and Taiwan – presumably losing hundreds of thousands of pounds in the process.
Ugg-ly truth
I’M confused.
One minute we’re all lazy shirkers, skiving the office in a pair of Uggs and tea-stained trackie bums, and the next an overworked generation awaiting imminent burnout.
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A new report claims workers are being 'pushed to the brink' by longer hours and greater demands Credit: Getty
A new report claims workers are being “pushed to the brink” by longer hours and greater demands.
The TUC’s Work Intensification study blames technology for the slog, saying more than a third of employees are spending more time outside of contracted hours dealing with emails across smart phones and laptops etc.
The reality is that nowadays none of us can truly ever switch off and that, in itself, is exhausting.
THEATRE-GOERS at Shakespeare’s Globe in London got a shock after a man was allowed in wearing a head-to-toe gimp suit.
The fetching outfit, which included a facemask and leather harness, was sported during a recent matinee performance of A Comedy Of Errors.
The mind boggles.
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Oddest thing of all the recent Coutts furore, surely the most striking element is the irony of an uber-exclusive posh bank – only those with ￡1million in investments are welcomed – banning clients on grounds of inclusivity.